BELLO THE BELLOWER FUMBLES WITH FEMI, THE FEBRILE


A few weeks ago, I was unfortunate enough to catch the latest performances from Nigeria's strangest comedy act. Though their performance has remained with me, indelibly seared into the deepest recesses of my mind, I have not wanted to pass public comment lest I breathe new life into that which is already almost forgotten. However, when one sees how something should be done, one cannot help but think back to recent examples of how it should not. The latest offering from the abominable vaudeville act of Governor Yahaya Bello of Kogi and High Chief Femi Fan-Kayode of the backside of the Moon would give farce a bad name. Dissatisfied with outcome of their previous misadventure, the botched, on again, off again aborted return of FFK to the APC, this duo insinuated themselves into the mean food blockade called by the Amalgamated Union of Food and Cattle Dealers of Nigeria (AUFCDN). The outing was a crass and shallow attempt at grabbing the limelight, low politics at its very lowest ebb.

This was all for a worthy cause but only if you believe having Bello as a permanent fixture is a cause of worth and not derision.

Bello wants to be president more than a drug addict wants his narcotic. And if FFK cannot be VP, he has the makings of an outstanding palace jester. One would be amiss to fault Bello for his lofty ambitions. After all, he huffed and puffed and behold he kept Kogi free of the scourge of COVID by sheer force of will. That he could not do the same to develop his state, create jobs or build infrastructure is, of course, to be ignored or excused. Seems he is only a demi-god and not a full-fledged deity until he ascends to Aso Villa.

Having awarded himself a mandate to deal with the blockade, Governor Bello hastily arranged a press conference to celebrate his latest non-achievement.
His head is filled with ideas no reasonable mind should be made to endure. Worse, the ideas of his febrile friend tend to be worse. Together, they hatched a caper they hoped would lift the governor's public appeal by making him seem the peacemaker and solver of the nation's woes. Thus, the fake statesman and the genuine madman took to the stage to give us their interpretation of slapstick politics. It was comedy, yes, but also an omen, a forewarning of the lunatic capers that would plague Nigeria should this duo get any closer to true power than they already are.

Bello botched his grand attempt. While trying to pull off a delicate high-wire act, he bumbled like a clumsy man slipping on a banana peel. Instead of deceiving Nigerians with a mask of sagacity, he appeared to Nigerians as exactly the man he is; a shallow and cynical soul whose lack of judgment is surpassed only by his arrogant ambition. Governor Bello and his mendacious sidekick wanted Nigerians to believe that they alone were responsible for solving this mini-crisis. In their telling of it, the governor received a call from unknown quarters asking him to don his superman cape, swoop in and save the day. This, we are told, he achieved within a matter of days, before calling his celebratory press conference. Watching him carry on, one could not help but wonder if there was anything Governor Bello would not take credit for.

Bello explained how, thanks to his intervention, food will continue to flow, violence abate, bandits will turn into Benedictines, insecurity will end and the lion will rejoice with the lamb. However, all who know this man know he is a maker of trouble not a resolver of problems.

If there is a crisis that he has a hand in ending it is because his hand was also present in its instigation.

Making matters worse, Chief Fani-Kayode got carried away by the false grandeur of it all. Not one to let pass an opportunity to bask in the spotlight, the wannabe jester spilled the beans.

Using his fake choirboy voice, FFK began safely enough, obsequiously thanking his new best friend and the AUFCDN 'dignitaries' for choosing, however inexplicably, to spend time in his company. However, a bout of verbal diarrhoea quicky set in. FFK did what he does best; harm his friends and arm their enemies. By the time he was done speaking, FFK had inadvertently revealed something his companion would rather have buried. He told everybody listening that Governor Bello had prior knowledge of the blockade.

FFK revealed that Governor Bello had showed him information that the AUFCDN was planning attacks against southerners in the north.

Apparently, according to FFK, Bello persuaded them against the attacks. However, when told they would begin an embargo, Bello lifted not a finger to stop them. Indeed, in FFK's telling the embargo was the governor's own idea. Nevertheless, if the governor could dissuade the attacks, he also could have used his obviously formidable powers of persuasion to dissuade the blockade before it started. That he apparently did nothing, means he did not object to the hateful blockade. Guess he figured it was daintier for those behind it to starve their fellow countryman than to beat him to death.

Having green-lighted the plot, according to FFK, the governor wasted no time proclaiming himself chief negotiator and purporting to enter negotiations with AUFCDN to end the blockade he winked at them to start.

(if you doubt my words, I urge you to go back and listen carefully to the full statements made by FFK and Bello at their 4, March 2021 press briefing held in Abuja).

Having been clued in to the caper from the onset, it would not prove particularly difficult for Governor Bello to wrestle it to the ground. Those gullible enough to be tricked by the governor's ruse marvelled at the speed with which he seemed to resolve this crisis. It might have raised his status among the naïve. However, thanks to his loquacious sidekick, we know how the sausage was made. FFK's spectacular revelation dissolves any mystery, for nobody is better placed to quickly end a crisis than a man involved in midwifing it. As eloquent as he claims himself, FFK cannot now deny that he did not mean what he said.

The only thing he can do is admit to himself that he did not mean to say it.

FFK's contributions did not end there. In addition to letting us know the darker side of Governor Bello's role in the crisis, he asserted numerous claims so self-evidently false that one cannot help but question the wisdom and sanity of those who would voluntarily associate with a fire-eating, sword swallower such as him.

This event was clumsy but entertaining theatre. But that was not its intent. It was a clutch at presidential politics and governance. As such, it forewarned of great danger should either man become more than an infrequent and unwanted visitor to Aso Villa.