How to Make True Love Last

Many answers to why love fades can be found in understanding how and why we form a fantasy bond.  The fantasy bond is the ultimate defense against love. Even after we’ve dropped our guard and allowed ourselves to fall in love, as soon as we get scared, be it of losing our partner or differentiating from our old, familiar identity, we may turn to a fantasy bond to allow us to maintain an illusion that we are not alone, while preserving emotional distance from our partner.

To avoid a fantasy bond, we should avoid the characteristics listed above but also take the following actions.

Actions to break a fantasy bond and become more loving:

Be affectionate. Find even the smallest ways to make contact and show affection and attraction.

Slow down and be present. Make time to really talk and listen to your partner.

Make eye contact. It sounds simple, but we often forget to just look at our partner.

Try something old. Make time and don’t stop doing the activities you loved to do together.

Try something new. Don’t just fall into routine. Keep suggesting new activities and be open to ones your partner suggests.

Break routine. If doing the same thing is deadening your excitement, be open to breaking the habit and making space for spontaneity.

Avoid passivity and control. Strive for an equal exchange of ideas. Take responsibility for your own actions and don’t try to control your partner.

Talk as an “I” instead of a “we”. Remember you will always be two separate people and not to overstep boundaries which diminishes attraction.

Be aware of your critical inner voice. We all have an inner enemy that criticizes ourselves and our partner and undermines our closest relationships

Do something independently. Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you have to do everything together.

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Don’t give up friendships and activities you enjoy on your own and don’t aask you partner to either

Communicate what you feel. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Saying what you want and feel directly helps you avoid passive-aggressive or nasty ways of relating. It also encourages your partner to do the same.

Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality. Love is an action each of us must choose for ourselves. When we start measuring what we do for each other, we create expectations and breed resentment instead of staying in touch with how good it feels to be loving toward someone else.

Support the things that light your partner up.  Never stop supporting and encouraging your partner to be the most alive and to do the things that make your partner feel the most like him/herself… even when those things aren’t what matter most to you.

Take actions your partner would perceive as loving. Make sure the things you do are things that matter specifically to your partner. You may love getting flowers, but is that something that would make your partner feel loved?

Don’t become closed off. It’s much too easy to shut down whenever we feel embarrassed, anxious, disappointed, or triggered by our partner, but we have to fight to not be closed off and push away the love that comes toward us.

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